The Paris Hilton Sex Tape
I had a break from the blog for Christmas, and judging by the amount of e-mail I got bemoaning my absence (i.e zero), I’ll assume that no one really cares. I should do something to publicise the blog, but then again, I’ll probably never get around to it.
This was originally going to be a review of Nine Songs, but then I realised that I’d actually have to buy a copy of the DVD if I wanted to review it. So I looked for something similar and what did I find? Yes, the Paris Hilton sex tape (which is unsurprisingly easy to download.) The tapes been circulating in various forms for years, but I’ve never seen anyone try to write a review of it. That’s probably for obvious reasons, but I’m happy to shun convention once in a while. After all, it might actually be quite good…
The story behind the tape is quite simple. When Hilton was 19 she had a fling with 30-year-old Rick Salomon (who was once married to Shannen Doherty). They filmed their night-time trysts, and three years later they somehow found their way onto the internet. Hilton’s family immediately set their lawyers into action for besmirching their young daughter's name and Salomon, in retaliation, did the same. The resulting furore led to a ridiculous amount of publicity, mainly for Hilton.
The contents of the tape itself is a surprisingly dull affair. Hilton’s getting ready in the bathroom wearing nothing but black bra and panties. Salomon tries to convince her to have sex while she acts disgusted. That goes on for a while. Hilton finally relents and takes her little black panties off, revealing a question I think we’ve all asked… (the answer: she’s shaved). Lots more teasing and finally they get in bed, change position once or twice, then Hilton tosses him off and he comes in her mouth. All this lasts about 15 minutes. Hardly thrilling or all that much different from all the other porn you can download on the internet. The only thing that really sets it apart is no female orgasm (faked or not) and no money shot. But then, this wasn’t made for public consumption, so they aren’t exactly following industry standards here.
However, I don’t think anyone is really going to watch this to be aroused (which is lucky because there’s nothing here that’s particularly arousing) but rather out of some sort of bizarre celebrity schadenfreude. And as far as that goes it pays off very well. Judging by this tape, both parties are horribly sexually inept. Hilton just lays motionless like a rabbit caught in headlights and emits the occasional groan, while Salomon pokes at her from behind like he’s stirring broth. If you thought the sex lives of the rich and famous were supposed to be exciting, this puts an end to that theory in hilarious fashion.
The most interesting aspect of the tape, though, is what it did for Hilton. Whereas Salomon quietly fell back into celebrity obscurity, Hilton used it as a building block to become the new ‘it’ girl and everybody’s favourite celebrity slut. So while you watch and snigger at her sexual inadequacy, you might want to stifle the laughter when you bear in mind what it spawned.
This was originally going to be a review of Nine Songs, but then I realised that I’d actually have to buy a copy of the DVD if I wanted to review it. So I looked for something similar and what did I find? Yes, the Paris Hilton sex tape (which is unsurprisingly easy to download.) The tapes been circulating in various forms for years, but I’ve never seen anyone try to write a review of it. That’s probably for obvious reasons, but I’m happy to shun convention once in a while. After all, it might actually be quite good…
The story behind the tape is quite simple. When Hilton was 19 she had a fling with 30-year-old Rick Salomon (who was once married to Shannen Doherty). They filmed their night-time trysts, and three years later they somehow found their way onto the internet. Hilton’s family immediately set their lawyers into action for besmirching their young daughter's name and Salomon, in retaliation, did the same. The resulting furore led to a ridiculous amount of publicity, mainly for Hilton.
The contents of the tape itself is a surprisingly dull affair. Hilton’s getting ready in the bathroom wearing nothing but black bra and panties. Salomon tries to convince her to have sex while she acts disgusted. That goes on for a while. Hilton finally relents and takes her little black panties off, revealing a question I think we’ve all asked… (the answer: she’s shaved). Lots more teasing and finally they get in bed, change position once or twice, then Hilton tosses him off and he comes in her mouth. All this lasts about 15 minutes. Hardly thrilling or all that much different from all the other porn you can download on the internet. The only thing that really sets it apart is no female orgasm (faked or not) and no money shot. But then, this wasn’t made for public consumption, so they aren’t exactly following industry standards here.
However, I don’t think anyone is really going to watch this to be aroused (which is lucky because there’s nothing here that’s particularly arousing) but rather out of some sort of bizarre celebrity schadenfreude. And as far as that goes it pays off very well. Judging by this tape, both parties are horribly sexually inept. Hilton just lays motionless like a rabbit caught in headlights and emits the occasional groan, while Salomon pokes at her from behind like he’s stirring broth. If you thought the sex lives of the rich and famous were supposed to be exciting, this puts an end to that theory in hilarious fashion.
The most interesting aspect of the tape, though, is what it did for Hilton. Whereas Salomon quietly fell back into celebrity obscurity, Hilton used it as a building block to become the new ‘it’ girl and everybody’s favourite celebrity slut. So while you watch and snigger at her sexual inadequacy, you might want to stifle the laughter when you bear in mind what it spawned.
posted by Ryan Stephens at 11:53 AM
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